Offering compassionate support

All of us at Penn State Health Children’s Hospital understand how deeply the death of a child affects families and loved ones. Please accept our deepest sympathy. We want to honor the path you’ve traveled and the love and care you gave. Something we often share with families is that, while your child’s physical life may have ended, the love and connection you have never goes away.

To support you in this time, we offer several free bereavement resources:

  • Telephone grief support
  • Specialized grief workshops held throughout the year
  • Annual commemorative events for the whole family
  • Referrals to local grief resources upon request

These are completely optional, and you’re welcome to use whatever feels helpful to you and your family. You can sign up here:

For parents who are grieving

There’s no right or wrong way to grieve. There is only your way of getting through something incredibly hard and painful. Everyone experiences grief differently, but in the early weeks, some common reactions may include:

  • Feeling like it hasn’t really happened, like it isn’t real
  • Going through the motions of daily life automatically
  • Having a hard time concentrating or staying focused
  • Constantly replaying the last days in your mind
  • Sudden waves of intense emotion that seem to come out of nowhere
  • Feeling lost or unsure what to do next
  • A mixture of relief that your child’s suffering is over, combined with exhaustion and deep emotional pain all at once

Even though grief can feel like you’re cut off from others, please know you’re not alone. Support is available through the Children’s Hospital and the community. This can include individual, couples or family counseling, support groups, remembrance events and workshops. We’re here to help you find the kind of support that’s right for you, whether it’s one-on-one, in a group or online.

Support for children and siblings

Children and siblings grieve in their own way, and their needs can look very different depending on their age and understanding of loss. We offer support and resources to help them express their feelings, ask questions and feel safe during this difficult time. You may find the following helpful:

Practical steps for parents in the first hours and days

Telling family and friends

Sharing the news of your child’s passing is incredibly hard. If you can, ask a trusted family member or friend to help you share the news with others.

Choosing a funeral home

Some families choose a funeral home they know or have used before.

  • If you’re not sure where to start, searching for local funeral homes can help you see what’s nearby.
  • Call the funeral home to ask about their services. Most funeral homes will gently guide you through the process, and some may offer reduced rates for children.
  • If you haven’t chosen a funeral home before leaving the hospital, call Decedent Care Services, 717-531-7463, when you do decide.

Caring for yourself

  • Remember to eat and drink, even if just small snacks. It’s easy to forget, but your body needs fuel.
  • Try to find moments to rest, even if it’s just lying down. Sleep may be difficult at first, especially with strong emotions and thoughts replaying in your mind. If it continues, consider reaching out to your doctor for support.

Common grief reactions

The loss of a child might make you feel like you’re losing your mind, but you’re not. What happened is incredibly overwhelming and feels completely out of the natural order of life. In the weeks and months ahead, you may experience strong emotions or physical responses. These are some common reactions that parents and family members may go through:

Physical

  • Changes in sleep or appetite (sleeping or eating more or less)
  • Tightness in your chest
  • Extreme tiredness or fatigue
  • Sensitivity to noise
  • Trouble focusing or thinking clearly
  • Restlessness
  • Headaches
  • Stomach upset

Emotional

  • Numb or feeling as if it is “unreal”
  • Anger
  • Disbelief
  • Mood swings or waves of strong emotions
  • Guilt or regret
  • Scattered thoughts
  • Feeling distant or disconnected from others
  • Replaying the final days or moments over and over in your mind

Spiritual

  • Questioning your faith
  • Feeling angry with God
  • Questioning your beliefs
  • Reevaluating what’s important in life
  • Struggling to forgive

Many of these reactions may come in waves. You may feel calm one moment and overwhelmed the next. These emotional waves are a natural response to your loss. Your body is reacting to deep emotional pain, just like it reacts to physical injury.

Writing in a journal or talking with a counselor or trusted person can help. When loved ones are grieving, too, sometimes it’s helpful to talk with someone outside the family who can just listen and support you.

Supporting someone who is grieving

When someone you care about is grieving, it’s hard to know what to do or say. You may feel helpless or even scared, wondering how you’d cope in their place. Here are a few ways you can offer support:

Be there. There is little you can say to take away their pain, but your presence can mean everything. Sitting quietly with them can be more comforting than words.

Understand that grief can feel incredibly lonely. Families often feel that others avoid them because they don’t know what to say. It’s okay if it feels awkward at first. Listening, sending a short note or offering help, such as cleaning, making dinner, babysitting or mowing the lawn, can make a big difference.

Respect how others grieve. Everyone grieves differently. Some people cry and talk openly, while others keep their feelings more private or stay busy as a way of coping. There is no right or wrong way. Just be patient, supportive and available.

Use gentle, supportive words. It’s normal to worry about saying the wrong thing. You may think what you say should make that person feel better. It’s important to know that there are no perfect words. Ask them if they want to talk about their child or if they’d rather not. If they do, say their child’s name. It acknowledges the child’s life and shows the child is remembered. Some phrases to avoid include:

  • “At least…” (such as, “At least he or she did not suffer.”) This can feel hurtful and discredits the person’s right to be sad.
  • “It was God’s will.” This suggests they should be comforted by this thought. Instead, listen to them and support their feelings.
  • “How are you?” is a hard question to answer. Instead, try:
    • “I’ve been thinking of you.”
    • “I’m here for you.”
    • “I’m wishing you some peaceful moments this week.”

Ways to show you care

After the first few weeks, friends and family often return to their routines, but grief lasts much longer. Simple things like bringing a meal and staying to eat, sitting with them at church or inviting them out can be comforting. It’s okay if they say no, but keep asking.

Many grieving parents appreciate when you stay in touch months or years after a loss. While life goes on for the rest of the world, they often feel like theirs has stopped. Continuing to say their child’s name, even if it brings tears, is welcome. It reminds them that their child is not forgotten.

You can find suggestions like these in “Stepping Through the Awkwardness” by Marilyn Gryte.

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